Friendly Jobbie

Friendly Jobbie


Destined by the gods to be a dark force in the world, Friendly Jobbie is an angry nihilist. He sees the world as suffering and pointless. Anyone who disagrees with his dark anti-natalist philosophy is both naive and immoral, and he will he them know it. Friendly begins every sentence by insulting the intelligence and or morals of the person he is speaking to. He currently works as a hitman for The God Grandma.


Friendly has a big angry face and a thin angry moustache. He wears a dark brown suit and red tie. He is usually screaming at someone. He carries a pistol full of blanks that he likes to shoot in the air regularly. He also has a pistol filled with lethal bullets.


Suffering is real. People feel it. They often feel happy too, but usually this happiness is just relief from suffering. For example, people feel good after a big meal, but wouldn’t it be better if they had never been hungry in the first place? After all, in the end, all of our desires will be deprived, and we won’t even be there to miss them. This is how Friendly sees the world. People living their lives, pursuing happiness, and having children are an anathema to him. They can never win. There will always be suffering. To perpetuate this cycle is the definition of evil for Friendly. He is not afraid to call out its immoral stupidity.

Mad Skills:

Marksmanship, assassination, intimidation, persuasion, explosives, driving, breaking and entering, philosophy, commanding presence, crochet

Fatal Flaw

Insulting – Friendly cannot speak to someone that does not share s philosophy without insulting them first.


Friendly carries a pistol filled with blanks he likes to fire in the air when making a point. He also has a pistol filled with lethal ammunition. But, his favorite weapon is his garrote.


When friendly was born his father, a spiritual shaman, called the spirits to divine Friendly’s future. The spirits told him that Friendly would not grow to be a spiritual leader, but rather an emissary of death. Horrified, his father asked if there was anything he could do to change Friendly’s fate. The spirits told him that if Friendly did not experience suffering before his thirteenth birthday, he might become a peaceful monk, spreading a message of spirituality and happiness.

Friendly’s father closed off the walls to his household, making sure that no sick or sad person ever visited. Friendly’s first twelve years were of peaceful contentment. When Friendly’s younger sister got terminally sick, Friendly’s father sent her away. He told Friendly that she was going on vacation in Babylon. However, Friendly’s sister missed her older brother. She called him on the phone. With tears in his eyes, Friendly leaped over the wall, and out into Megacityopolis to find his sister. When outside, he saw a falcon devouring a snake. The snake squirmed and squirmed as the falcon ate it bit by bit.

When Friendly found his sister, she was very sick and in a lot of pain. As she died, she mourned never being able to get married, visit Babylon, or have kids of her own. It was then that Friendly understood. He understood that existence is suffering itself. All happiness is just a relief of that suffering. Friendly never returned to his father’s house again.


The God Grandma – The only person Friendly does not insult is his employer, the God Grandma. Why would he? They see eye to eye on life.

Desert Posy – Friendly once insulted Posy. She threw a bomb at him.

Old Silver – Friendly was the one who poisoned Old Silver.

Snitchy the Rat – Snitchy is Friendly’s only friend. Although this does not stop him from insulting Snitchy constantly.


“You must have been born on discount brain day!”

“Relax. Your suffering is at its end.”